Survivor Balmoral - Day 35

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode of Survivor Balmoral, Paul Burrell, the only one who knew how to cook and entertain royally, unexpectedly left the tribe. Chaos ensued as the tribe members, hungrily eyed each other. On this episode the remaining members of tribe Saxe Coburg Gotha sit satiated around the campfire. The Queen approaches the group and they all stand up.

The Queen: Have you seen the corgi's?

The other tribe members look around innocently. Edward stops knawing on a bone. Charles dabs his mouth with a napkin.

Edward: Mummy, would you like a rib?

The Queen: Where's Andrew and Anne?

Charles: I guess they just couldn't handle it. Survival of the fittest Mummy.

Anne enters carrying some more firewood

Anne: Must I do all of the work around here?

The Queen: Well, if you see Andrew please let him know that I was looking for him. I need some help with my Wii.

Meanwhile, during the dessert making challenge, Prince William is trying to plan a small birthday party for his grandfather, Prince Philip who will be 88 soon. He is currently in the carpenters shed and looks for some supplies to make a birthday cake. He finds some sawdust and what appears to be a stale bag of marshmallows and fashions a crude mound. Proud of himself he heads towards the door, which he has cleverly wedged open with an open crate containing a box of cake mix, a carton of eggs, bottled water and two cake pans. Prince Philip and the Queen wait to taste-test. William puts the cake down infront of them. The Queen looks at it warily.

Prince William (Proudly): I made it myself!

Prince Philip: It's...very interesting...what does it have in it?

Prince William: Marshmallows!

The Queen (whispering to Philip): We don't have any marshmallows.

In another part of the castle Prince Charles and Princess Anne are busy with the IKEA challenge. They must put together a rectangular plastic coffee table with 4 screw-in legs. Charles reads the instructions.

Charles: (Amazed) It says you don't need any tools for this.

Anne: That sounds too easy. Why would they give us something that easy? Are they trying to trick us?

Both look apprehensively at the 5 pieces.

Charles (looks around desperately) Help!!

Later on, at tribal council, the Queen gathers the remaining members of the tribe. She looks around and mentally does a headcount.

The Queen: Has anyone seen Andrew?

Charles and Edward look nervously at each other. Just then, the missing corgi appears.

The Queen (delighted): Oh there's my lost corgi!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, the Queen searches for Prince Andrew while the remaining tribe members help put the coffee table together.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

Survivor Balmoral - Day 34

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode of Survivor Balmoral, Paul Burrell won the immunity idol for winning the bed making challenge. Prince Philip had a setback after he failed the child rearing challenge. And Prince Edward narrowly escaped being permanently trapped in the loo. On this episode, the very survival of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is at risk when Princess Anne faces the challenge of cutting a slice of bread.

The Princess carefully approaches the counter. Four knives lay before her - Table, Paring, Bread, and Swiss Army. Along with them a wooden spoon. She picks up one of the implements up eyes the loaf with trepidation.

Prince Edward: I'm hungry

Prince Andrew: Yes, me too

Princess Anne: (turns towards them with the wooden spoon in hand) Stop it or I'll call Mummy.

Both men are silent. One of their stomachs growl audibly. Paul Burrell sits on a chair in the kitchen, chuckling to himself.

Paul: Need some help?

Princess Anne: Go away

Paul: Well, just thought I'd let you know that you can't cut a loaf of bread with a spoon.

Prince Edward: I can't handle this any longer.

Prince Edward grabs the bread off the counter and starts to savagely tear at it with his teeth. Prince Andrew wrestles the bread from him.

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle. Prince Charles sits beside a mop and bucket. He is weeping.

Prince Charles: (to the camera) I didn't realize it would be this hard. I don't even know which end of the mop to use. (He looks at the mop closer). You know, if it weren't for this monstrous carbuncle of fabric, this might be good for walking in the hills.

Prince William calls from another room.

Prince William: Papa!

Prince Charles: What is it Wills?

William, in a heightened state of anxiety, points to a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Both princes look at the floor with trepidation. Charles takes the stick and pokes at the paper. Inching it closer to the wastebasket.

William: No Papa, this is my challenge.

William bravely bends down on the floor and starts to blow the paper. It slowly moves. Soon he is out of breath. He sits up, tears of frustration roll down his cheeks. Charles hugs William.

Prince Charles: We'll get through this together.

Later on at tribal council, the members of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha tribe arrive tired and exhausted. Prince Edwards stomach rumbles. Paul Burrell sits and smiles smugly.The tribe members glower at him.

The Queen: Do you why you're all here?

Paul Burrell: Yes, it's so disappointing your Majesty. But they've tried so hard, with my help of course. May I offer you a glass of Royal Butler wine?

Prince Philip: (looks at Paul) What is that I hear in the distance? the authorities? I think someones looking for you Paul!

Paul Burrell looks around nervously, gathers his wine, and runs for the hills.

Princess Anne: (exasperated) That's no good, he's the only one who knows how to cut bread. Now what are we going to eat?

The tribe members look at each other. Prince Edward sizes up Prince Andrew, pinching him. Stomachs growl audibly.

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral the remaining members of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha descend into turmoil over the simplest of tasks.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Survivor Balmoral - Day 33

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

This week, tribe Windsor merges with tribe Hanover. Joining the Windsor's are Paul Burrell and Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. The tribe descends into turmoil when Paul Burrell tries to ingratiate himself with Chelsy. The remaining members of tribe Windsor are: Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Prince Edward, and Prince Philip. Now that the tribes have merged, a new tribe called Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is formed.

Chelsy is busy sunning herself. Paul Burrell approaches her.

Paul: (to Chelsy) Did you know I used to work for the royal family? I was Diana's rock..the keeper of her...

Chelsy: Are you lying to me?

Paul: Well, I have been known to be naughty. Can I offer you some of my Royal Butler wine? How about a signed copy of one of my books?...

Chelsy: Go away, you're blocking my sun.

Princess Anne faces a new challenge: Opening the door. Princess Anne goes up to the door, looking at it curiously. She takes a few deep breaths, pensive. She is nervous and gives herself a pep talk before her attempt.

Princess Anne: Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door...

Unbeknownst to her, on the other side of the door, Prince Andrew is also facing the challenge of opening the same door.

Prince Andrew (wipes the sweat from his brow): Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door....

Princess Anne and Prince Andrew (frustrated, in unison): Oh bother!

In another part of the castle, Prince Charles has located the kitchen and is preparing to boil an egg. He holds the chicken aloft over the boiling water.*

Prince Philip: Don't you know that you must wait for the chicken to lay the egg?

Prince Charles (to the chicken): I command you to give me fresh eggs.

Prince Philip: (Takes the chicken from Charles) Here, let me do it!

Philip shakes the chicken up and down. Charles tries to grab the chicken back, but it flutters away and runs for its life.

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is still in the loo trying to draw his own bath. The Queen is outside to door, waiting.

The Queen: Edward, open the door, I have to go to the loo

Prince Edward goes towards the door to open it. He looks confused at the handle. He starts to take some deep breaths.

Prince Edward: Just turn the handle and open the door...turn the handle and open the door...

The door does not open

Prince Edward: Mummy I'm stuck!!!

Later on, at Tribal Council, the Queen gathers tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Prince Philip has failed the child rearing challenge. Paul Burrell has the immunity idol after winning the bed-making challenge.

The Queen: Where's Edward?

Prince Edward: (runs towards the group, panting and sweaty) Here I am, Mummy!

Prince Philip: (to Edward) You're completely out of shape, didn't the army teach you anything?...oh wait, never mind..

The Queen: Tonight someone must go home. It seems there's some dead weight in the tribe....

Chelsy: (sulky) This is so boring!

Chelsy gets up and grabs her sunscreen.

Chelsy: I'm off to Boujis!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, Prince Charles attempts to mop the floor while Prince William cleans up after himself.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

*Note: No chickens were harmed while writing this article.

Survivor Balmoral - Day 31

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go betweens, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode, Kate Middleton left the competition after being humiliated by Prince William once too often. Prince William seems to be coping well despite this set back. Princess Anne currently has the immunity idol after winning the letter mailing challenge. This week, Charles faces his toughest challenge yet: mowing the lawn.

Prince Charles looks for the gardening shed. Confused, he walks over to the Myrtle bush.

"Excuse me, do you know where the lawn mower is?". Receiving no answer, he goes over to the rose bush. "I'm in a bit of a hurry, can you help me find the gardening shed?"

Prince Harry comes by on the riding lawnmover. "Do you think I can play polo on this?"

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is inside Balmoral, trying to run his own bath. Princess Anne has come to his assistance.

Prince Edward: What does this H and C mean? How do you turn it on?

Princess Anne: This is so difficult, we really should pay our staff more.

Prince Edward: Shhhh..don't let them hear that! (looks at the camera) you will edit that out, won't you?

In another part of the castle, Prince Philip finds himself in trouble with The Queen after having forgotten her birthday.

Prince Philip: Lilibet, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not what it used to be.

The Queen: Let's see whether I give you 'Prince Consort' for our anniversary in November!

The Queen walks off in a huff.

Prince Philip (to the camera): What is it with all of this sentimental nonsense. After 60 years, what does she expect?....wait a moment, no Prince Consort???...Lilibet...Lilibet...

Later in the day the Windsor tribe learn that they are safe from Tribal Council after Princess Michael of Kent, in the Hanover tribe, loses to Prince Charles in the jam making competition. Despite this victory, the Windsor's lose a member when Prince Harry is called to duty in Iraq. Prince William is incandescent with rage.

Prince William: It should have been me that went! Harry isn't going to be head of the armed services!

Prince Andrew: Would you really want him to be? Especially after the Nazi costume?

Prince William: But it should have been mmmmmeeeeeeee

Prince Andrew: Look at it as a compliment. We spares are expendible.

Prince William is still disappointed but visibly brightens. "Poor Chelsy, she must miss Harry. How terribly lonely she must be. Do you think she might need some comforting?"

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral: Charles boils an egg and Anne opens her own door.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

Survivor Balmoral

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go betweens, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

Day 30

On last week's episode we saw tribe Hanover prevail in the immunity challenge. Currently there is dissention in tribe Windsor, alliances have been formed and broken. Andrew currently has the Immunity Idol after winning the smiling and waving challenge, which Edward failed.

Edward: "Mummy, my arms are tired".

The Queen is not amused, she rolls her eyes.

The Queen: "I've been doing this for 80 years. Suck it up".

Next challenge: Charles attempts to iron his shirts and squeeze his own toothpaste. Without success.

Charles: "I dare say, this is harder than it looks. Where do you plug the toothpaste in?"

Philip: (already brushing his teeth) "You don't know what hardship is really like do you?"

Exasperated, Charles looks for paper and pen to write a memo to his father.

Charles: "This really isn't fair. How are we supposed to communicate with each other anyways?"

Meanwhile, William and Kate Middleton are having a disagreement....

Kate: "Where's the toilet?"

William: "No, it's called a 'lavatory'. Let's spell that together..L..A..V..."

Kate: "Pardon?"

William: "What?"

Later that day, at Tribal Council, the Queen waits for the remaining members of Tribe Windsor. Philip, Charles, Anne, Andrew, Edward, William, Harry and Kate Middleton, meet at Balmoral to vote off the next contestant.

Kate: (to the Queen) "Pleased to meet you."

Everyone glares at her.

Queen: You have come here today because, once again, your tribe lost the immunity challenge against Hanover, why do you think this happened?

Andrew: "I blame Harry, claiming to be sick anytime there's work to be done"

Edward: "Someone should be tested for drugs...."

Charles: "At least he's doing his time in the military".

Edward: "Mummy, are you going to let him say that to me?"

Harry gets up, fists ready. William goes to restrain him.

Harry: "Look William, there's a cheap blonde at the bar!"

William is distracted and lets Harry go. Harry lunges at Edward. Kate phones her lawyers.

The Queen: "Kate, I'm under the impression that you're not suitable royal bride material..some say you're middle class".

Everyone gasps

Kate: "William doesn't mind...do you William?...William?"

Philip: (Looks over at the bar) "Does he have his hand on her...."

Kate: "That's it!...I can't take this anymore!"

Kate runs off into the night. The remaining contestants look at each other, confused.

The Queen: "I guess the commoner has spoken!"

On next week's episode:

Charles tries to mow the lawn. And Edward draws his own bath.

© Marilyn Braun 2007