Lunch with Paul Burrell

>> Sunday, May 01, 2005

Paul Burrell troubles me.

Not the kind of troubling thoughts I have when I forget to take my medication, go to work, or pick up my neighbours children from school. No, he troubles me because he just won't go away. I wish people would forget about him. Of course my mentioning him here doesn't help with that, nor does the existence of his website www.paulburrellrvm.com a veritable online love fest tribute to himself.

Lest we forget, he pops up on various reality series', newspaper columns, even his own Broadway show. He recently appeared on the British version of the reality show 'I'm a Celebrity get me out of here" where he had to eat a five-course meal of insects, bugs, worms, cockroaches and kangaroo testicles. A classic moment in television history. Apparently this won him a whole new audience of fans; eating insects is enough to garner anyone's respect and admiration. But I do have to wonder on the etiquette involved in doing this. What fork do you use for the worms? Are the bugs considered to be an appetizer? What would be served for dessert?

I recently came across an article that mentioned a sale on eBay to have lunch with him (note that you may need to cut and paste this link into your browser)

http://www.royalarchive.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=630&Itemid=2

Unfortunately I can't locate it on eBay but apparently the highest bid is 16 GBP (which works out to be about $40 CDN). One would think this is indicative that his 15 minutes of fame is long over. However, it doesn't seem that anyone has told Paul that. He says he does these things in the name of charity, which makes demeaning himself just that much more touching. Above and beyond the call of duty.

Since no one seems to be interested, I would like to offer the chance for people to have lunch with ME instead. You get stimulating conversation and you get to pay for the lunch as well. His lunch offers a 3-course meal and mine offers a 6-course meal at the restaurant of my choice. The charity sponsoring him is also throwing in a stay at a local hotel. I've decided that people shouldn't have to pay for that (unless of course they want to, who am I to decline a free stay) so the lucky winner can bunk on the sofa at my place or (weather permitting) pitch a tent in my backyard. You will need to bring your own pillow and blanket, or air mattress and tent. Who wouldn't want to have lunch with me? I'm a cheap date so you would only have to buy me 2 drinks to get me to open up on the mystery that is Paul Burrell.

If you're the lucky bidder you get:

To hear my thoughts on Paul Burrell
My recipe for chocolate covered cockroaches
2 drink minimum
10:00 am check out from my sofa or backyard
The chance to make me breakfast
My unsigned copy of his book on Diana, complete with verbal review
Bragging rights that you had lunch with me (photo of us together is extra)
Directions to the local bus station

I have to wonder what Diana would think of all of this. Would she have sold herself to the lowest bidder? Of course Paul would need to follow through on the auction otherwise he might lose face. How could he possibly disappoint his remaining dedicated fans that are on a limited budget? I don't have that dilemma, bid whatever you want; a free meal is a free meal. He says he wants to leave the whole Diana thing behind him, step out of her shadow, but will he ever really be able to do that? After all, Diana is his bread and butter and talking about her catapulted him to stardom. Were it not for her he would still be walking the Queen's corgi's. Somewhere, the ghost of Diana is betting on eBay because she feels sorry for him.

Someone needs to tell him that his 15 minutes is up and no amount of kangaroo testicles can change that.

© Marilyn Braun 2005

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